How your kids and helper get along shapes daily life at home more than almost anything else in the arrangement. This guide covers how children learn respect for the person who helps raise them, which tasks they should keep doing themselves, where the line on discipline sits, and how to write family rules that everyone, including the youngest, can follow.
Most families we work with do not set out to raise children who order the helper around. It creeps in. A toddler learns that dropped toys disappear. A seven year old notices that nobody else asks “please” when calling for a drink. A teenager discovers that a messy room gets tidied anyway.
The good news is that respect is learned the same way. Children copy what the adults in the house do far more than what they are told, so most of the work here sits with parents.
Why respect starts with the adults in the house
Children read tone, not policy. If a parent snaps at the helper when tired, or talks about her in front of the children as if she were not in the room, the children will treat that as normal. If parents greet her in the morning, thank her for dinner and apologise when they get something wrong, the children absorb that too.
The Ministry of Manpower’s guidance on rest days and well-being for migrant domestic workers encourages employers to integrate their helper into the family by being patient and tolerant and making an effort to understand her background. That is a useful standard for the whole household, not just the person whose name is on the Work Permit.
Small habits that children copy
- Use her name, and make sure the children do as well. Avoid nicknames she has not chosen.
- Say “please” and “thank you” to her in front of the children, every time, including for routine tasks.
- Raise problems with her privately, never in front of the children. Correcting her publicly teaches children that her authority does not count.
- Do not complain about her to the children or to relatives within their hearing.
Make her authority visible
If your helper is looking after the children while you work, she needs enough standing for instructions to stick. Tell the children plainly, with her present, that when parents are out, her reasonable instructions about bedtime, bath and homework are the family’s instructions, then back her up when you get home. The same applies if you are working from home with a helper.
Kids and helper roles: what children should still do themselves
A helper is there to support the household, not to replace a child’s own growing independence. One of the most common problems we hear about is a helper who has quietly become a personal attendant to a school age child. Our guide to chores for kids suggests where to start.
Agree as parents which tasks stay with the children, then tell both the children and the helper. A helper who has been told “Jun Wei packs his own school bag now” can step back without feeling she is neglecting her job.
A rough guide by age
- Toddlers: putting toys back in a box, placing dirty clothes in the basket, carrying their own cup to the sink with help.
- Lower primary: packing their own school bag, putting shoes away, clearing their own plate, making a simple bed.
- Upper primary: tidying their own room, preparing simple snacks, sorting their own laundry, keeping track of homework and school notices.
- Teenagers: washing up after their own snacks, hanging their own laundry, cleaning their own bathroom sink, managing their own schedule.
Children will push back at first, especially if the helper used to do these tasks. That is normal. Hold the line for a few weeks and it becomes routine. If you would like a fuller framework for setting expectations for the whole household, our guide to fair and lawful house rules for helpers covers the employer side.
Boundaries about discipline
This is the area where we see the most confusion. Many parents want their helper to keep order when they are not home, but have never said what that actually means. The result is either a helper who is afraid to say no to the children, or one who disciplines in ways the parents would not choose.
Our advice is simple. Discipline belongs to the parents. Your helper should be able to calmly stop unsafe or unkind behaviour, enforce the house rules you have agreed, and report back to you. She should not be expected to punish, and she should never be asked or allowed to use physical punishment, shouting, threats or shaming. Our guide to agreeing discipline rules with your helper helps you set this out.
What she can do, and what she reports to you
- Stop it: she can step in immediately when a child is about to hurt themselves or someone else.
- Use the agreed consequence: if your family rule is “no tablet after throwing toys”, she can apply that rule, because it is yours, not hers.
- Tell you the same day: agree a time, such as after dinner, when she can tell you what happened without the children listening.
- You follow up: any bigger consequence comes from parents, so children learn that the rules are the family’s, not a battle between them and the helper.
For younger children, meltdowns are part of development rather than defiance. Our article on handling toddler tantrums has practical approaches you can share with your helper so you both respond the same way.
When the child is the one being unkind
Children sometimes hit, kick, spit at or insult a helper, especially when they are young or when the helper is new. Treat it exactly as you would if they did it to a teacher or grandparent. Address it with the child the same day, ask the child to apologise in their own words, and make clear to your helper that she was right to tell you. A helper who feels she cannot report rudeness will simply absorb it, and that rarely ends well.
Family rules that include the helper
Written rules help because they take the personal edge off reminders. “The rule is shoes on the rack” is easier for a helper to say than “please put your shoes away” to a child who has learned to ignore her. Children respect helper instructions more readily when they can see the instruction comes from a list the parents made.
Keep the list short, specific and visible, for example on the fridge. Read it together as a family, with your helper present, so everyone hears the same thing. A sample might include:
- We say good morning and good night to everyone in the house.
- We say please and thank you, to everyone.
- We tidy our own toys and put our own plates in the sink.
- When parents are out, Auntie’s instructions are the family’s instructions.
- No hitting, no name calling, no shouting at anyone.
- Auntie has her rest day, and on that day we look after ourselves.
Respecting her rest, privacy and personal space
Respect is not only about manners during working hours. Children also need to understand that your helper has time and space that belong to her.
Rest days
Under MOM’s rules your helper is entitled to one rest day a week, agreed between you, and at least one rest day each month cannot be compensated away. MOM also allows her to choose to spend her rest day at home. If she does, children need to know that she is off duty, so no asking her for snacks, help with homework or a quick game. A planned rest day schedule on the fridge helps children know in advance when she is off.
Her room and belongings
Teach children to knock and wait before entering her room, and never to go through her things or use her phone. MOM’s accommodation guidelines for migrant domestic workers say she must not sleep in the same room as a male adult or teenager, and that she must be told where any cameras are, with none placed where she sleeps, changes or bathes. As sons grow into teenagers, review sleeping arrangements and explain the reasons in an age appropriate way. If you use home cameras, our guide on CCTV and helper privacy explains how to do it fairly.
When things go wrong
- Talk to your helper first, privately, to hear her account before you speak to the child.
- Repair openly. If a child was hurtful, an apology to her in front of the family shows that her dignity matters.
- Give feedback fairly. If you think she handled a situation badly, say so calmly and specifically. Our guide on giving feedback to your helper covers how.
If you ever suspect that anyone in your home has harmed your helper, take it seriously and act. MOM’s page on abuse and ill-treatment of foreign domestic workers states that employers face severe penalties if convicted of abusing a helper, and that convicted employers and their spouses are permanently banned from employing another. Suspected abuse should be reported to the police. In an emergency, call 999 for the police or 995 for an ambulance. Our guide to the signs of helper abuse explains what to look for.
Related guides: Maid for Newborn Care Singapore: A Practical Hiring Guide and Nanny or Babysitter in Singapore? Why Families Pick a Helper.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should my helper be allowed to discipline my children?
Your helper should be able to stop unsafe behaviour, apply the house rules and consequences that you as parents have agreed, and report back to you the same day. Deciding punishments should stay with parents, and she should never be asked or allowed to use physical punishment, shouting, threats or shaming. Agreeing this clearly at the start protects your children, your helper and the working relationship.
What should my children call our helper?
Ask her what she would like, and agree it as a family. Many Singapore households use a respectful title such as “Auntie” followed by her name, or a term from her own language, while others simply use her name. What matters is that it is respectful, that she is comfortable with it, and that everyone in the house uses the same form.
My child is rude to our helper. What should I do?
Deal with it the same day, as you would if your child were rude to a teacher or grandparent. Hear your helper’s account privately, talk to your child calmly about why it was hurtful, and ask for a genuine apology. Then look at whether a household rule or your own behaviour is feeding the problem, because children usually copy patterns they see from the adults around them.
Can my helper look after the children on her rest day if she stays home?
A rest day is a day off even if she chooses to spend it at home, which MOM allows. Childcare on that day is work. If she agrees to work a rest day other than the one each month that cannot be compensated away, MOM requires you to pay at least one day’s salary for it, calculated as monthly salary divided by 26. It is better to plan cover in advance so children learn that her day off is her own.
Conclusion
Children learn respect for a helper the same way they learn everything else at home: by watching the adults, living with clear rules and being held to them kindly and consistently. When parents model courtesy, keep discipline in their own hands, give children age appropriate responsibilities and protect the helper’s rest and privacy, the relationship between your kids and helper tends to become one of genuine warmth.
If you are looking for a helper who will fit well with your children, we are happy to talk it through. You can get in touch with the Femme5 team to discuss your family’s needs, read more about how we work with employers, or explore what a good placement looks like.
The Femme5 Team
Maid placement specialists, Femme5 Maid Agency
Our consultants work with Singaporean and expatriate families on helper matching, contracts and MOM compliance, and we verify the regulatory guidance in our articles directly against the Ministry of Manpower’s published requirements.
